At the age of forty, Jackie Buddie finds herself pregnant with her second child. This unexpected journey prompts her to reflect on the evolving nature of identity and adulthood. Despite societal expectations that having children should mark a definitive transformation into maturity, she discovers that parenthood doesn't necessarily alter who she is fundamentally. Instead, it reinforces her ongoing quest for self-understanding, emphasizing that personal growth is an ever-evolving process rather than a finite achievement.

In this essay, Buddie shares her candid thoughts about becoming a parent later in life. Initially, she had envisioned reaching certain milestones by her mid-thirties—college, career, marriage, homeownership, and motherhood among them. However, reality didn’t align with these plans. Even after giving birth to her first son at thirty-eight, she remained uncertain about her identity. Parenthood brought changes to her daily routine but did little to clarify her sense of self.

The decision to conceive was not born out of certainty or readiness but rather necessity due to her advancing age. Over two years passed before welcoming her first child into the world. Her experiences as a new mother were filled with awe and bewilderment; despite learning how to care for her infant, she continued questioning her role as a parent. When her son began daycare earlier this year, she hoped it would provide time to focus on rediscovering herself. Yet, another pregnancy at forty has reignited doubts about missing opportunities for self-exploration.

Lying awake at night, feeling movements within her abdomen, Buddie contemplates what it means to have more to offer through motherhood. She realizes that knowing oneself isn't tied solely to accomplishments or specific life events. Instead, identity develops continuously throughout one's lifetime, influenced by relationships, health, community, love, and loss. Having children wasn't the sole determinant of her evolution—it was part of a broader narrative shaped by various factors over generations. Ultimately, she concludes that growing up entails embracing constant change and adapting to life’s unfolding complexities.

This reflection serves as a reminder that defining moments in life aren't always clear-cut transitions. For many, including Buddie, they represent just another chapter in an endless story of discovery. Through her writing, she invites readers to reconsider traditional notions of adulthood and embrace their own unique journeys toward understanding themselves better.