In this personal essay, Autumn Gavora shares her journey from pursuing a lifelong dream of becoming a scientist to ultimately realizing that the path wasn't for her. She reflects on the challenges she faced in her career and how motherhood played a pivotal role in her decision to leave the field. Her story is one of self-discovery and acceptance, emphasizing that it's okay for dreams to evolve over time.
The Awakening: Realizing the Dream Wasn't Meant to Be
Gavora's passion for science began at an early age, inspired by a fifth-grade teacher's dramatic demonstration during science fair week. Over the years, she immersed herself in everything related to science, eventually earning a position at a prestigious laboratory. However, once she started working, she quickly realized that the reality of the job didn't align with her expectations. The demanding nature of the work, especially during the pandemic, left her feeling burnt out and unfulfilled. She was expected to be on call 24/7, even during holidays, which took a toll on her mental health. This period allowed her to step back and realize that the job wasn't what she had dreamed it would be.
Initially, Gavora felt like a failure when she realized that the career path she had pursued for so long wasn't right for her. Her mentors had painted a rosy picture of what lay ahead, but she soon discovered that everyone's experience is different. Without the guidance of her mentors, her career stagnated, and she struggled with feelings of inadequacy. Despite these challenges, she remained committed to learning and helping others, but it never felt like enough. The loss of her mentors and the lack of growth contributed significantly to her dissatisfaction with the job.
Motherhood as a Catalyst for Change
When Gavora became pregnant during her fourth year at the lab, she began to reconsider her priorities. She didn't want her son to grow up with a stressed-out, unfulfilled mother. She envisioned being someone who stood up for herself, lived her dreams, and had time for her family. After giving birth, she made the difficult decision to leave the lab. The feeling of failure was overwhelming, and it contributed to her postpartum depression. However, this experience also led her to realize that her identity extended far beyond her career as a scientist.
Leaving the lab was a turning point for Gavora. She learned that it's okay for dreams to change and that she could find fulfillment in other areas. Now, she works for a women-owned financial advisory firm, where she feels valued and has more time with her son. While she still loves science and remains engaged with the latest research, her new career allows her to live a more balanced life. Through her journey, Gavora discovered that she is much more than just a person in a lab coat, and she believes that the little girl with big dreams would be proud of the person she has become.